I've found a kindred spirit

Probably the worst part of being separated is all the questions one gets about "Why?" "How?" I bought the latest Vanity Fair because I had the feeling that Jennifer Aniston was going through much the same thing as I was.

I was right. However, there was no other "woman" in my case. The other siren was not a living thing at all, but a concept.

So instead of talking myself, I decided to let Jennifer talk for me. The following are selected excerpts taken from the interview with Jennifer Aniston in the September 2005 issue of Vanity Fair, written by Leslie Bennetts.

"...sensationalist stories claimed the real reason the marriage ended was that Aniston refused to have Pitt's baby because she was so ambitious she cared only about her career. 'A man divorcing would never be accused of choosing career over children. That really pissed me off. I've never in my life said I didn't want to have children.'

Aniston's intimates note acidly that Pitt could have done more to refute the mean-spirited rumor that his wife wouldn't bear his child, which reinforced the impression that he had good cause to leave her. So is there a part of Brad that's diabolical? Did he think, I need to get out of this marriage, but I want to come out smelling like a rose, so I'm going to let Jen be cast as the ultra-feminist and I'm going to get cast as the poor husband who couldn't get a baby and so had to move on?

Struggling to accept a separation she never wanted, Aniston found that the "facts" she had been told kept shifting like quicksand beneath her feet. All Aniston wanted to figure out then was what happened; how did the happy life they'd planned drift so far off course? "The world was shocked, and I was shocked", she says, still bending over backward not to excoriate her ex.

While the tabloids insist on dividing Aniston's emotions into neat, distinct chapters, the reality is that pain and denial and anger and resignation all blur together, sometimes at the same moment. "When you try to avoid the pain, it becomes greater pain. I have to think there's some reason I called this into my life," she says. "I have to believe that - otherwise, it's just cruel."

"This woman is basically having a root canal without anesthesia, but she's really not trying to numb the pain or shove it under the rug," says Hahn. "she's grown so much, and continues to grow on a daily basis, because every time you think, 'Well, I've dealt with this', there's another hurdle to get over."

Aniston's response has been to retreat into her cocoon, "in an effort to take care of myself and my heart," she says. "I feel like I'm nesting. When things happen, the tribe gathers around you and lifts you up. There's no question it takes getting used to; I'm a partnership person, and if something happens, your instinct is to share it - but you're no longer part of a couple. I definitely miss that.

"Am I lonely? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have days when I've thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely. But I'm also doing well. I've got an incredible support team, and I'm a tough cookie.... I don't feel like a victim. To live in a victim plave is pointing a finger at someone else, as if you have no control. Relationships are two people; everyone is accountable. A lot goes into a relationship coming together, and a lot goes into it falling apart. Even if it's 98 persent the other person's fault, it's 2 percent yours.

"I'm not interested in taking public potshots. I am not defined by this relationship. It's maddening. But I had a mom who was very angry about her divorce, and made shots, and I don't want to play that out. I'm figuring this out as I go along. This is my first time at this particular picnic.

"Most couples draw up divorce papers when they're missing out on an amazing moment of deepening and enlightenment and connection. You can't force a relationship, even if it's your view of how you would like it to be conducted. You're two people continually evolving, and there will be times when those changes clash. There are all these levels of growth - and when you stop growing together, that's when the problems happen.

"I just don't know what happened," Aniston admits. "There's a lot I don't understand, a lot I don't know, and probably never will know, really. So I choose to take away with me as much integrity and dignity and respect for the relationship as I can."

So, that's all I have to say, right now. These excerpts say as much about me and my shortcomings as they do about his. And I'm still waiting for the dreams to stop.